I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
