who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Randomize
