I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Is it penis luge time yet?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
