there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
