Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
