Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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