Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
