dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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