Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
