let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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