today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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