he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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