I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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