my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
