Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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