just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
