I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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