he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
