I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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