I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
