sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
