i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
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I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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