After last night, I could never be a politician.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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