I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's Friday. Sex?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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