We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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