Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
