i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
