Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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