distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
