im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
