you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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