you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
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We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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