This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
