Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
