I can text with my tongue
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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