So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
