is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
