you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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