Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
