is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
