Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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