I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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