I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
