I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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