What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
