It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
