Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
