Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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