So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
