I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
