I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
