Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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