Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
