Dual....:-)
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i think i just lost a toe
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
