she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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