I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Alive.
So much puke
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
