What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think your dad took our porno
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
