The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
